October 26, 2012

My sweet Graham, Tonight was the night. We lay in your bed together, snuggling. All of a sudden, your little voice was heavy with fear. You asked whether our house would burn down. Or what we would do if grandma died. I kept trying to assure you everything would be OK, that we have a Heavenly Father that takes care of us. That even though we lose people we love here on Earth, if they have Jesus in their heart, we see them in Heaven again. You paused. I knew you were thinking. Then I asked if you wanted to ask Him into your heart, and you said "Yes." So, we prayed together, and your little voice was so heartfelt. And I knew the angels were rejoicing. And then you slept. Your worries had slipped away. I love you baby boy. I rejoice with the angels tonight.

To my Isaac

As I write this, you are nine and a few months. Lately, you have been going through some changes. It's almost as if you are on the verge of those tumultuous pre-adolescent years (can it possibly be knocking on our door already?). There's been some challenges with you lately, and it has driven me to the place I hope to always go whenever I have questions about my parenting (or anything!): to my knees. You have to remember, you are still my first baby. I have never done this before, I've never had a nine year old boy. I know I have already made my share of mistakes, and I hope I have already done many things well. But, I need the help only God can give me...I especially need His wisdom as I do this for the very first time. During this season of our life together, I hope I can point you to The Way, and keep you on the path of Truth. I pray I am never a stumbling block to your salvation. I pray, as I have from the time you were a baby, that I will be the right kind of mama for you according to your personality and what you need. I love you so much. I love you so much I think my heart has broken a million times from it. I still have this picture of you I carry around in my mind from when you got your tonsils out when you were two. I am in the hospital with you, it is the middle of the night, and you won't settle unless I am holding you and rocking you and singing lullabies. We must have rocked a hundred miles that night, and I sang until I couldn't sing another note. In fact, I got sick that night, and in between bouts of vomiting in the bathroom, I would rock and hold you some more. You were my baby, and you needed me. You still need me, and you are still my baby. You always will be. Lately, I have been thinking about how Graham, at age five, still reaches for my hand in the parking lot. You don't anymore. I wonder when the last time was? When was the last time your then-pudgy hand held mine to be sure you were safe in the world? I am glad I didn't know it was the last time. I want you to keep holding onto me. In this scary world, we'll have many storms. So many times when we won't know what to do. But, you hang onto me, and I'll look to our Heavenly Father to lead us on the Way. And I'll never, ever let go. I love you so, Your mama