There's not just one word to describe how I have been feeling lately. A few that pop into my mind are depressed, overwhelmed, angry, annoyed, stressed-out, ungrateful, self-asborbed, tired. Now that's a lovely little combination, wouldn't you say?
I'm not sure where it all started. At first glance of my recent schedule, you might say that it started there...with way over-extending myself beyond my capacity. But as I think about the past couple of years, I think my feelings have been a culmination of lots of changes, most of them not so great, and others that were great, but hugely life-changing.
I can't quite say I have ever felt the way I am feeling lately. I am hoping God has a big purpose for it that I can't see right now. I also pray that my family, particularly my boys, will hang in there with me and that their memories of this time in their life will be mercifully forgetful.
I want to be a mama again. Let me say that another way: I want to be a good mama again. One who takes her kids places, does art projects with them bakes with them, takes pictures of the silly things they do...that kind of mom. I feel like I have been on major auto-pilot, just surviving the days since, oh, last January. That's a lot of surviving. Not even sure that surviving is what you would call it.
I know I have lots to be thankful for. Gosh, if I were to try and list all of my blessings, they would take up this entire blog posting and more. But I confess, I haven't felt blessed lately. All I have been able to see is what I don't have, what I can't do, and how I do not measure up.
I hope I learn what I need to learn so this can be over quick--like pulling off a band aid.
Indoor Herb Garden
1 year ago