Queen of the World

In 65 minutes from the moment I started composing this blog posting, I will officially be 37 years old. I can hardly believe I am this age. It really does seem like yesterday that I was 16 years old. I can remember SO many things, down to small details, about my growing up years. I am not sure when I became this woman when I really just feel like a girl.

A few weeks ago, the boys and I headed over for a quick visit with my mom. She sat on the couch, looking beautiful with her bald head and cancer body and we loved on her for a few moments. When we left, she called out her frequent reminder to me, "Remember, these are your best years."

They don't feel like it sometimes. Often I am bogged down by the stress and constant demands of family life. There are moments I want to be 16 again, and have few cares in the world. And then when I truly do immerse myself in a moment and enjoy it, I worry if I am enjoying it enough. Or I worry I will forget it. I keep a computer file of precious or funny things my kids said or did that I want to remember. I start to panic when I think I have forgotten some things before I was able to get them recorded. Those moments are gone now. They are forever lost to me.

I rocked my baby two nights ago. He sat on my lap with his cup and blankie, and I sang to him. He turned his head into me in such a way that he was nestled perfectly in my arms. I asked God if I could relive this moment in heaven someday. These are the moments my mama is talking about. I am the queen of their world. I look at the handful of dandelions on my window sill that my precious Graham brings me almost every day, and I want to freeze this time. It's going too fast already, and I know that someday soon I won't be their queen anymore. This time will pass as fast as my window-sill dandelions wilt.

Of all the things I have done in my life so far, of any accomplishments I can call my own, my best is being a mother. It is my life's work, my divine calling. Everything else pales in comparison to this one role in my life. I love my boys with a fierce love that I didn't even know I was capable of. So, would I turn back the clock to be 16 again if given that choice? No, I would not. I want to be their queen for as long as time will let me.